Leo is not very impressive on paper. I am. So for both our sakes, we should be happy that our marriage wasn’t arranged because we never would have wound up together.
The fact of the matter is that I love the man; the resumé is irrelevant. But this means that some people make assumptions about us. Following my meeting with the visa officer, I thought that perhaps he was also struggling to put our marriage into a conventional understanding of the institution, and therefore drew somewhat cynical conclusions about our intentions… in other words, I wonder whether he thought ours was a “fake marriage” and we were out to con the system. Why else would he assume that Leo wanted to sneak back into the US while I did my Master’s in Canada? That’s certainly not the behavior of a happily married couple.
My mother also had a similar thought – with a twist:
“This may be old fashioned,” she said, “but I think that if you were a man and Leo was your Brazilian wife, none of this would be a problem. That’s what’s pissing me off! Well, a lot of things are pissing me off, but they’re discriminating against you!”
I’d been so up in arms about discrimination against Leo: the “poor,” “uneducated,” “South American” “undocumented immigrant” “of color” (how’s that for a quintuple whammy?!) that it hadn’t even crossed my mind that I could also be subjected to certain double standards!
Would the outcome have been different if I were an accomplished male off to take the academic world by storm and trying to get a visa for my babelicious Brazilian arm candy? It would have undoubtedly fit into a pre-established understanding of marriage, profession, and immigration… Perhaps it wouldn’t have raised the same red flags. I don’t know.
I can’t pretend to know the visa officer; maybe he’s a staunch women’s rights activist who has been the supporting force behind his daughter’s academic progress or his wife’s high-powered career in which she outranks him in position and pay. I don’t know the guy. I’m not going to make any assumptions.
…but reflecting on the system, it certainly gave me something to think about.
What a great point - I'm sure your Mom's right.
ReplyDeleteYou gotta love them double-standards. And, speaking of which, I just taught my English class that term. I used the example, which I think is silly, of the whole "marido e mulher" phrase in Portuguese. I think it should be "marido e marida" or "homen e mulher". :)
Thinking of you!
-nick
You know, as I read this, I realize that I would be in the same position as Leo had my relationships with my former gfs gone further than they did. I'm certainly not impressive in comparison to them, and I too have the quintuple whammy. Well, I'm Mexican as opposed to South American.
ReplyDeleteThis is something for me to think about, for the future.
A very frustrating situation, to be sure...
ReplyDeleteIndeed, it is. I never really felt as an equal to my former gfs, which lead to conflicts. Alas. That's the way things are.
ReplyDelete@Miguel -- That's something we've also struggled with in our relationship, certainly. It takes a lot of trust, communication, and patience to overcome. We haven't got it totally figured out yet, but I think we both think it's worth figuring it out. That was also a factor in our decision to leave the US...
ReplyDeleteI'm really glad both of you are trying to figure it out. It says a lot about the both of you, and I really respect that.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if I'll ever be able to leave the US, living here for 12+ years now, it would be a hard thing for me to do. It's all I know. I guess I'll have to wait until they storm my trailer, knock down my door in the middle of the night, and take me kicking and screaming...
But until then, living in fear it is!
@Miguel -- I have to say, off all of us poor schmucks in this immigration mess, I think that the "Dreamers" like yourself have it the hardest. I mean, you're American, and anyone who disagrees and thinks that "Americanness" is measured by a 9-digit number is missing what makes the US worthwhile in the first place. Ugh.
ReplyDeleteI think you are spot on. But what if some successful Hollywood famale had taken a shining to the man of her choice regardless of his academic credentials? I don't think we would be having this conversation.
ReplyDeleteThings are not fair. Life is complicated.
Hang in there.