You can’t see the full outfit, but the total effect was pretty badass.
Anyway, I’ve been terrible about updating for two reasons:
1. Despite all of the promises that Leo’s visa situation would be resolved by the end of September AT THE LATEST, there has been absolutely no progress. Every day that passes now feels further from any sort of resolution and not closer to a reunion. It’s unbelievably painful. At this point, I think we’ll have to change his ticket again (he’s got one for the end of November). I just want to be able to spend Christmas together, but I very much doubt that it will happen.
2. Grad school is hellish (and I actually mean that in the best possible way). I picked this department because it was in Canada, I liked Vancouver, and they had a Program on Water Governance. It turns out that this is an outstanding department in the Geography world, and compared to my peers (and, God forbid, the professors), my work is middling – at best. It’s beyond humbling.
Grad school-related insecurities are quite unforgiving. For once, success it’s not based on how pretty you are, who you know, your social intelligence (not in the least!), or even how hard you work (because we all spend every waking hour working). It’s about how clever you are. Plain and simple. And that cuts closer to the core of who you are than almost any other measure. Now, multiply those insecurities by exposure to true brilliance several times over, and you’ve got my current situation.
Then there’s the work load. To do the absolute bare minimum, I worked out that I would need to spend 65 hours per week on school work. That’s just to keep my head above water. Doing a good job would require me to put in closer to 80. There comes a point at which you have to deny yourself essentials in other parts of your life – like human contact (in case you ever wondered why academics are the way they are).
Of course, I still love grad school (it’s sick, I know). I wanted to be here because I love to learn, teach, and write. Moreover, I have a great many burning questions about water governance that I would like to try to answer. But that said, I’m not convinced that I can cut it. I also really wish I could get more than 6 hours of sleep a night…
Corin, You are more than up to snuff for the grad school gig!
ReplyDeleteAnd I hope that you'll see Leo way before Xmas.
Love, G
And the Liz Lemon costume ROCKS!:)
ReplyDelete"It’s about how clever you are."
ReplyDeleteAs screwed up as it sounds, although it's normal to feel this way about yourself and the lay of the land in general as a first year, this is an inaccurate notion, of which you will soon be disabused. You're there; you *do* have sufficient levels of cleverness. Your job is to work hard, yes, but also to avoid getting mindfucked by how well you think other people are doing and to *take care of yourself*.
You've got years of ass busting to do, after which your job success will ultimately have a lot more to do with the alignment of the stars than with how hard you've worked, how smart you are, or who you know. That means you have to consciously fight to preserve your own values and standards of success, because academia will try to take over all of it, and if successful will leave you a neurotic mess. Being isolated from your social network, having your social world limited to other grad students whose people skills are constantly deteriorating--these will also leave you a mess. Not sleeping enough will hurt both your intellectual performance and your ability to keep your spirit strong.
I'm sorry this is so loud and completely unsolicited.. It's just that I can relate a lot to where you are in your life (from what you write) in a kind of crazy number of ways, and I don't want you to suffer any more than necessary. You will suffer--like you say, grad school *is* hell, even if there are some great things about it--but if you can stay aware of the ways in which the process acts on you and think carefully about just how much of the value set you're willing to adopt, it might help to preserve some sanity. Fingers crossed that your husband arrives soon--for many reasons, of course, but because with him will arrive some semblance of balance. Stay strong.
@DW -- Thanks! On all counts!
ReplyDelete@K -- Thank you for that! Unsolicited, sure, but necessary and wonderful! And yes, having Leo here will make a world of difference! Thank you!!!
I love Liz Lemon
ReplyDeleteCorin, I think k said it all, but you totally have what it takes. Even though I only know you through your blog, you are one of the smartest bloggers I read and your writing is always fabulous! Of course I realize there's a lot more to grad school than that, but don't get down on yourself, you're awesome and you can definitely do this, and do it well!
ReplyDelete@Amanda -- me too!
ReplyDelete@Elena -- Thank you very much!